he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
