and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
