So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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