Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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