I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
