life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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