so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
