I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
