no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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