There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
