my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm too high and old for this...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
