my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
