You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
