I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
