I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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