Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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