you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
