I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
