Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
