The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
