if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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