I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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