I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
