i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
