Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
