my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My vagina just recognized that song.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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