She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
