Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's rum buckets o'clock
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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