this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
