I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
