She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
