I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
