Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
