yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
