How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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