just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
