I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
