I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
