Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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