I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
