All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
