dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
