I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
