Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
