I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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