Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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