im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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