My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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