By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
