Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
