I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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